The Three Little Pigs: California, New York, and Texas (A Retelling)
Once upon a time, ok, well, now days to be exact, there lived three little pigs. They were brothers.
One was named California, one was named New York, and the third was named Texas. They all lived comfortably under the watch of their uncle, Sam, in his home called constitution. Until the day that their uncle was too old to care for them anymore. He had become scattered and did not seem to remember who he was or what he was supposed to do. So they all had to make their way out in to the big scary world on their own.
The problem once they left, however, was that they could not agree on how they should live or what they should do. This led to the three pigs splitting up. Each went his own direction, and each was determined to live life his way.
The oldest pig, New York, decided to make his home in the mountains. However, due to its tall height, he was unable to use better building materials, since they would cost more to haul. He decided, after looking around, that he should be ok with straw as a construction material since that was what everyone else was using around him.
"Clearly," thought the oldest pig, "this is the material of the people! What better material to use then that which is used by everyone else. After all, I should live no better than anyone else, for that would be greedy. So I will do as they do that we might be equals. Besides, straw is cheap and easy, I do not really want to work hard, so I think I will just go along with the flow."
Unfortunately for him, a wolf named Recession had picked up the scent of pork from his uncle's house, and had followed him to his new home. He watched in amusement as New York attempted, carefully, to create a new home that was perfectly no better, or no worse, than any of the homes around him. Chuckling to himself, the wolf had a thought:
"If I go after this pig alone, I will surely be chased off by everyone. So, it is better to give everyone a distraction so that they become so focused on themselves that they do not see what I am doing. Then, in the chaos, I can catch this pig."
So, in the dead of night, the wolf came and lit fire to the straw huts, and just as he had intended, the village went in to a panic. Each person fought to save what was theirs, all of their neighborly concern evaporated in the face of such a large communal tragedy.
It was then, as the crowds ran around flailing, that the wolf struck at his intended target. He lunged for the little pig. Yet by sheer luck, and by remembering some of the good training his uncle had taught him once upon a time, the pig managed to evade his assailant at the last possible moment. He went running towards his brother's home.
He ran and ran and ran, until he came to the home of the youngest pig, California. He banged on the door, "let me in, let me in, Recession is coming!" he cried. And just in the nick of time, California let him in and slammed the door on the evil wolf, Recession.
Now, California was not like New York. Young, and fiercely individualistic, he had built himself a home on the beach out of driftwood (for only an organic home that truly hurt nothing living would work for him). He had planted an organic garden outside and used the recycled beach water put in a solar still to water it. In fact, he had built a solar oven to bake his bread, so that he would not put any additional carbon into the environment.
Yet, for all of that, his home was still fairly stable and sturdy. It handled the droughts well enough. Water shortages could be overcome by neglecting his garden for a few days after all. He had endured fires and floods, and even had rebuilt part of his home after the ground below it slid off into the ocean.
"Surely," thought New York, "this home will keep us safe from recession."
And, in fact, it did for a time. Recession had to think. Driftwood would burn, but unlike straw, it would take time to get it to light sufficiently enough to burn down the home. They would stop him before he could make it happen, so this tactic was out. How then would he get these pigs out where he could finally have his pork dinner?
Then, he had an epiphany, these pigs relied on technology so fragile that all he had to do was starve them out. After all, he had two now, and two skinny pigs were as good as one regular sized one.
So he set about trampling the garden. Then he wrecked the solar still. Finally, he build a wall that blocked the sunlight from getting into the house so the pigs could not use their solar oven. Shocked and dismayed, the pigs sat down to discuss what they might be able to do.
"Maybe if we shared all we had with the wolf he would leave us alone," suggested New York.
"No," California replied, "he is not interested in stuff. I bet if we confirmed his needs and identity, we could fill the social need within him so that he would not even want to eat meat. Vegan, after all, is the only true way to live in harmony."
"Good luck with that," New York sneered.
"You got a better idea?" California asked.
"Well, we could go to Texas and see if he can help us."
"Are you out of your mind? He is the most backwards of all of us! He is a savage, who hunts, and fishes for his food. He throws big lavish barbeques and does not seem to care that his carbonized smoke is killing the planet!" California finished at the top of his lungs.
"I know!! He also builds big walls to keep other people from coming and living in his area so that he does not have to share with everyone. He lives in a big house of bricks while he knows that others around him live in tin shacks. In fact, it seems like all he cares about is himself! But I cannot think of anything else we can do," New York sighed.
About that time they heard scratching on the rooftop. The click click clicking of Recession's claws serving to remind them that their situation grew only more dire with every passing moment.
"We will wait until nightfall," California said, "then we can sneak out and go to Texas."
And so they did.
Sneaking past the sleeping Recession, California and New York drew close to Texas' home.
They rang the doorbell and waited.
Slowly, Texas opened the door.
"Oh my goodness!" Texas exclaimed. "What are the two of you doin' here? And in the middle of the night no less."
"Oh, Texas, please help us!" said New York.
California added, "Yeah, Recession is hunting us and he has destroyed both of our homes."
"Land sakes, well get on in here, y'all," replied Texas. "He ain't gonna git y'all in here."
As New York and California walk in, California snarks, "I see you are still speaking with that drall. How long are you going to keep that up?" "Until I feel like it," Texas quipped. He had been prepared for some of this when he saw his brothers, still, a brother in need is to be helped, or so the Good Book says.
Recession woke with the sun. He was sure that today would be the day they would break. He lazily yawned and climbed down off the roof to look through the window and see the panic in his prey.
Yet to his amazement, there was nobody home at all. Alarmed, he frantically went to each of the windows and peered in. He needed to know if he was seeing things or not. How had they gotten out? Where could they have gone? His nose was good, but not good enough to track them after this much time had passed.
That's when he noticed the trail of environmentally friendly rice puffs (animal safe, of course) left for the endangered bird species by California who had been worried that no one would be left to feed them when he had gone.
In fact, Recession did not even have to sniff the ground once as the trail led him directly to Texas' home.
Upon seeing Recession, California and New York panicked. They were sure that he would find some way to get in, but Texas reassured them that he had enough preserves in the cellar, and that his diesel generator would keep the place running regardless of what the wolf did. In fact, he said, he had recently opened up his oil pump downstairs to ensure that he could supply his own energy needs rather than relying on outside sources.
"So you have preserves, power generation, and fuel," screeched New York, "but you refused to share them with everyone else? How much better could everyone have lived if you simply had not been so selfish and greedy?!?! I cannot believe I am stuck in a house with you!"
Then it was California's turn, "forget that, even worse, your generator is going to destroy the environment and your pumping will pollute the ground. Your 'preserves' are from your own garden which you spray with bug spray and use gmo seeeds. How can you expect us to use any of that in good conscience?!"
"Well, I figured y'all needed a hand, so I thought I would help. If y'all want to leave..." Texas said.
"WE are not going anywhere, YOU are. After all, we did nothing wrong, these are all your sins!" California said poking Texas with an accusatory finger.
"Yeah," replied New York, "and we can take all of this 'greedy stockpile' and distribute it to those in need. I cannot believe that you would even suggest we live like you!"
So they pushed and they shoved and they threw Texas out of his home.
Dusting himself off, Texas turned around staring directly into the face of Recession, who was excited he was going to get to eat his dinner at last.
Yet, Texas was prepared. He looked recession right in the eye and said, "wait, I have a proposal for you."
Startled by this, Recession, sat back and said, "make it quick, and it had better be good, you only get one shot."
"I heard what you did to the straw house," Texas said, "and to the driftwood house. My home is far too solid for that, but those idiots do not seem to realize what made it that way. If you let me go, for I can always build a bigger and better house, I will give you the key to this one"
"And why should I trust you?" asked Recession.
"Because they've brought the ruin upon themselves, and even if you don't go in, they'll starve to death, in the dark, because of their supposed 'ethics.' At least this way, you and I have a deal. You leave me alone, and I walk away."
Recession's eyes narrowed, could he trust this pig? Finally he reached for the key and said, "fine, I do not want to see you again!"
"Not a problem," replied Texas, "for I do not want to see you either."
And so he left, never knowing what happened to his brothers, for Texas had learned an invaluable lesson:
You cannot help those who are not willing to change.